#69527 +(312)- [X] How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe, and another to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. #22 +(776)- [X] <`Xenocide> Bolstered by the state of Kansas' recent measure removing the requirement for the teaching of evolution in public schools, yesterday afternoon the Mississippi legislature passed a bill eliminating fractions and decimal points from the mathematics curriculum of all public secondary schools in the state. 'Apparently a teacher in britain was arrested. On him they found a pencil, eraser, ruler, protractor and compass. They said he was part of the Al Gebra network, and that he had weapons of math instruction!' #24756 +(159)- [X] High Templar One: Wanna merge? High Templar Two: Archon me, baby. #13607 +(463)- [X] Yoda of Borg am I! Assimilated shall you be! Futile resistance is, hmm? #34862 +(48)- [X] check this out people, I saw someone's greet line on a bot today that says "In God We Trust, everyone else get yourself an X.500 certificate" #230727 +(323)- [X] [@cwatford] i really do need to write my childrens books [@cwatford] i plan on scaring children shitless about common programming errors [@Entrope] "jane thought overrunning buffers was great fun until the exploit monster bit off her head!" #38858 +(816)- [X] I think I am going to wait until the hacker is in my computer, then I will disconnect from the internet and trap him inside #526144 +(889)- [X] i hate the internet i have spent 15 minutes looking for george bush with a lightsaber and have found NOTHING #82067 +(372)- [X] Some cool info: Tibeten monks, after twenty years or so of practise in the Himalaya, control their brain stem - they can control their heart beat, blood pressure etc. After thirty years they can connect to the internet purely by meditation, setting TCP stacks in their neurons and stuff. Right now I am chatting with a monk who is sitting naked in an ice storm on his towel, his only possesion. He's using ipv6. #105289 +(82)- [X] yeah, my code is so fucking clean, and looks wicked good but usually never works same here #567151 +(1518)- [X] <@ChrisH> Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes <@ChrisH> by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident" <@ChrisH> "OH DEAR GOD NO!!!" George W. Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!!" His <@ChrisH> staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the <@ChrisH> president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President, devastated, looks <@ChrisH> up and asks.......... "How many is a Brazillion??!" #577451 +(3987)- [X] I will write on a huge cement block "BY ACCEPTING THIS BRICK THROUGH YOUR WINDOW, YOU ACCEPT IT AS IS AND AGREE TO MY DISCLAIMER OF ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, AS WELL AS DISCLAIMERS OF ALL LIABILITY, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL OR INCIDENTAL, THAT MAY ARISE FROM THE INSTALLATION OF THIS BRICK INTO YOUR BUILDING." And then hurl it through the window of a Sony officer and run like hell #99835 +(10662)- [X] Hey, you know what sucks? vaccuums Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense? black holes Hey, you know what just isn't cool? lava? #579857 +(-532)- [X] ‹Degskalle› There is no point in arguing with an idiot, they will just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience #343825 +(1316)- [X] <[-Blacksword-]> brb, dishes have developed their own language and are talking to the garbage about overthrowing me... i must correct this #42247 +(245)- [X] * ArSa is not a scsi expert :\ * slurpee was a scsi expert until they came out with 134533109 flavors of it slurpee: like ULTRA 2 WIDE MEGA XL ALPHA STREET FIGHTER SCSI I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. - Douglas Adams Original von George Ou The Microsoft Office formats are open in the sense that every Microsoft Office competitor from StarOffice to OpenOffice.org to Word Perfect to ThinkFree Office has reverse engineered the Microsoft Office format and uses it freely yet they’ve never been sued by Microsoft for doing so. Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. -- Philip K. Dick Entropy isn't what it used to be... C++ also supports the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each other's private parts. -- Grady Booch »Do not replace legacy software by lega-c++ software«. - Bertrand Meyer #202648 +(468)- [X] <+NeoHentaiMaster> back in my day we had to manually punch the binary into the circuts using needle pins Back in my day, we coded with 2 badgers and a spoon. back in my day we had to draw the zeros and ones on the cave wall with clay Actually, FORTRAN was the language of choice for the same reason that three- legged races are popular. -Ken Thompson Divide et impera -- Caesar $ man life Der Drehimpuls von starren Körpern wie Kreiseln, Katzen oder Asteroiden wird durch deren Trägheitstensor bestimmt. -- Wikipedia (http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drehimpuls) "We may not soar with the eagles but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines" “I know how to spell ‘banana’, but I don't know when to stop" -- unknown #105843 +(250)- [X] <@three> hi! welcome to the dept. of redundancy dept. and hello There is no emotion; there is peace. There is no ignorance; there is knowledge. There is no passion; there is serenity. There is no death; there is only the Force. -- jedi code "Each time you cast a void * into an int, God kills a kitten." * andy Quit (Quit: Your Mom is so dumb that she tried to minimize a 12 variable function to a minimal sum of products expression using a karnaugh map instead of the Quine-McCluskey Algorithm.) #445388 +(422)- [X] nifty its nice to have a working laptop again now i can be unproductive anywhere ___ {o,o} |)__) -"-"- O RLY? A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. Voltaire said, "This is no time to make new enemies." Welcome to the entropy bar. May I take your order? Okay, so a Neutron walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. "How much will that be?" he asks. In response, the Bartender say "for you, no charge." Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? No, but it makes my mouth water. Knock knock who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction Interrupting coef - MU! So a bar walks into a man... shit, wrong reference frame. Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature. Q: What do you call a young eigensheep? A: A lamb, duh! Q: So there's two cats sitting on an angled roof. Which one falls off first? A :The one with the smallest ¼. Q: How many prolog programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: No Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip? To get to the other.. um.. Little Jimmy was a chemist Little Jimmy is no more for what he thought was H2O was H2SO4 Q: What did Julius Caesar say to Cleopatra? A: Veni, veni, veni. Q: Why do computers go trick-or-treating on Christmas? A: DEC 25 = OCT 31 "On Usenet nobody knows you're a god!" -- Jerry Garcia "There is infinite hope, but not for us." - Kafka All generalizations stink. I have discovered a truly wonderful proof of Fermat's Last Theorem, but unfortunately this .signature is too small to contain it. Ein Zyniker ist ein Schurke, dessen mangelhafte Wahrnehmung die Dinge so sieht, wie sie wirklich sind und nicht, wie sie sein sollten. -- Ambrose Bierce "A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing." -- Oscar Wilde <@Exor[B-AFK]> yeah apparently a teacher in britain was arrested. on him they found a pencil, eraser, ruler, protractor and compass. They said he was part of the Al Gebra network, and that he had weapons of math instruction! #31563 +(145)- [X] wanna see a turtle ride a slug? compile a vb program in wine Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums ----------------------------- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. Nobody escapes the Spanish Inquisition! \S\p\a\n\i\s\h\ \I\q\u\i\s\i\t\i\o\n Maybe this world is another planet's hell. Aldous Huxley Programmers are in a race with the Universe to create bigger and better idiot-proof programs, while the Universe is trying to create bigger and better idiots. So far the Universe is winning. For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. -- H L Mencken One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. -- Robert Firth Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random numbers is, of course, in a state of sin. -- John von Neumann ^(Oo)^ .. /|\\ This is Cthulhu, copy Cthulhu in your signature to help him on his way to world domination. #40922 +(217)- [X] GUYS, EVERYWHERE! I just discovered the best chat up line EVER!: "Does this smell like chloroform to you?" #32850 | -[ 110] + | 26.02.2006 03:55 | IRCnet [x] ich leide am torrent-syndrom muss. alles. downloaden. Wenn man nur einen Hammer besitzt sieht jedes Problem aus wie ein Nagel. -- Peter Widmayer, Professor für Informatik an der ETH Zürich (M) Customer: "How much is a large order of Fibonaccos?" Cashier: "It's the price of a small order plus the price of a medium order." Q: Why did the multithreaded chicken cross the road? A: to To other side. get the #170408 +(1038)- [X] < relnev> cool, this 8-page pdf has 3 pages intentionally left blank < relnev> that's like a big waste of e-trees Life is Complex. It has both real and imaginary parts. #748939 +(235)- [X] Oni Lupin: The classic zombie love story archetype: boy eats girl #747531 +(1034)- [X] you ever think god gets stoned? have you ever seen a platypus? #747235 +(1796)- [X] I've always wanted to change my legal name to ;DROP DATABASE; and see what kind of havoc ensues... "A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives." There once was a fellow named Howard, Whose tool it was nuclear-powered, While grabbing some ass, He reached critical mass, But think of the girl he deflowered! Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde. Guns don't kill people Kids who play computer games kill people Your mom is so fat she sat on a binary tree and turned it into a linked list in constant time! Trick me once, shame on you - trick me twice, shame on me! Since the creation of the Internet, the Earth's rotation has been fueled, primarily, by the collective spinning of English teachers in their graves. <@LukeB> I haven't even bothered downloading Second Life <@LukeB> I figure I should get a first one before starting a second Alles, was anscheinend zu einfach war, war wahrscheinlich zu einfach. these dumbass church people on tv they just said god made the internet Bet they're internet creationists and reject ARPANET Cat haiku The rule for today: Touch my tail, I shred your hand. New rule tomorrow. In deep sleep hear sound cat vomit hairball somewhere will find in morning. Blur of motion, then -- silence, me, a paper bag. What is so funny? My small cardboard box. You cannot see me if I can just hide my head. I want to be close to you. Can I fit my head inside your armpit? Terrible battle. I fought for hours. Come and see! What’s a ’term paper?’ Small brave carnivores Kill pine cones and mosquitoes, Fear vacuum cleaner Wanna go outside. Oh, poop! Help! I got outside! Let me back inside! Kommt ein Vektor in die Entzugsklinik. 'Hallo, ich bin linear abhängig...' Stell dir mal ein leben ohne fleisch vor.... - ich würde so dahin vegetieren! "When in doubt, use brute force." — Ken Thompson "If brute force doesn't solve your problems, then you aren't using enough." #815677 +(412)- [X] Gah. I'm so bad at ring theory, and I have a midterm in it Friday. It makes me want to fight people. Does Field theory make you want to grow corn? Q: What datastructure do pirates like best? A: Arrrrrrrays!!! Frage: Wie heisst der Lieblingsfernsehsender aller Theoretischen Informatiker? Antwort: 3SAT You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat. -- Albie E. on radios. "It's a bit like having sex with a jellyfish: once might an interesting experiment, twice would be perversion!" Grant Morrison on newsarama.com - the only annoying thing about Perl is there's always at least 10 ways to do the same thing =) - and half of those make absolutely no sense when you come back to the code 30 minutes later -- bash.org/?66197 #759408 +(485)- [X] <@Berryful> The typing is strong in this one <@Berryful> but i fear he has fallen to the dvorak side Q: What does a mathematician mermaid wear? A: An Algae-bra! "Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life." - Edgar Frog, board shaper (and vampire hunter) At the physics exam: 'Describe the universe in 200 words and give three examples.' A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train? Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature. Q: What weapon can you make from the Chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron? A: KNiFe. BeOS Browser error messages Haiku * The web site you seek Lies beyond our perception But others await. * Sites you are seeking From your path they are fleeing Their winter has come. * A truth found, be told You are far from the fold, Go Come back yet again. * Wind catches lily Scatt'ring petals to the wind: Your site is not found. * These three are certain: Death, taxes, and site not found. You, victim of one. * Ephemeral site. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. * Aborted effort: The site, passed this veil of tears. You ask way too much. * Mourning and sorrow 404 not with us now Lost to paradise. * Not a pretty sight When the web dies screaming loud The site is not found. * Site slips through fingers Pulse pounding hard and frantic Vanishing like mist. * The dream is shattered The web site cannot be found Inside the spring rain. * Bartender yells loud Your site cannot be found, boy Buy another drink. * Chrome megaphone barks It's not possible to talk Not yet anyway. * Emptyness of soul Forever aching blackness: "Blah.com not found." * Click exciting link Gossamer threads hold you back 404 not found. * With searching comes loss And the presence of absence: The site is not found. * You step in the stream, But the water has moved on The site is not here. * Rather than a beep Or a rude error message, These words: 'Site not found.' * Something you entered Transcended parameters. The site is unknown. * Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The server is down * There is a chasm Of carbon and silicon The server can't bridge. * Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and retry. Server shall return. * Won't you please observe A brief moment of silence For the dead server? * First snow, then silence. This expensive server dies So beautifully. * Seeing my great fault Through darkening dead servers I begin again. * Visit the home page It can't be done easily When the site is down. * Cables have been cut Southwest of Northeast somewhere We are not amused. * Site is silent, yes No voices can be heard now The cows roll their eyes. * Silicon shudders The site is down for the count One big knockout punch. * Yesterday it worked Today it is not working The web is like that. * The ten thousand things How long do any persist? The file, not there. * A file that big? It might be very useful But now it is gone. * To have no errors Would be life without meaning No struggle, no joy * Errors have occurred. We won't tell you where or why. Lazy programmers. * The code was willing It considered your request, But the chips were weak. * Error reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone. * Server's poor response Not quick enough for browser. Timed out, plum blossom. * Login incorrect. Only perfect spellers may Enter this system. A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and says, "Can I join you?" Q: "Whats the object-oriented way to become wealthy?" A: Inheritance A pizza with depth a and radius z has a volume of pi z z a. How can you tell when a programmer has had sex? When he’s washing the pepper spray out of his eyes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?” The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?” “Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. How did the programmer die in the shower? A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How many programmers dose it take to change a light bulb? None – It’s a hardare problem ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don’t. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat. An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher shortchanged him by 24 grams. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” very long pause…. “Java.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!” To which the man replies, “I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.” The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.” The genie responds, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.” The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.” At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All programmers are playwrights, and all computers are lousy actors. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Have you heard about the new Cray super computer? It’s so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “I just saw my life flash before my eyes and all I could see was a close tag…” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Debugging: Removing the needles from the haystack. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, “So what’ll it be?” The first string says, “I think I’ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu” “Please excuse my friend,” the second string says, “He isn’t null-terminated.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From the Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary: Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Laws of Computer Programming 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer. 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 5. Any program will expand to fill available memory. 6. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it. 8. Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug. 9. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. 10. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ * Lubarsky’s Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There’s always one more bug. * Shaw’s Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. * Woltman’s Law: Never program and drink beer at the same time. * Gallois’ Revelation: If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled, and no one dares to criticize it.